


Speak to Me

by dontchasethesheep



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-13 00:06:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1205479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontchasethesheep/pseuds/dontchasethesheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All the unexplained moments, all the that had been said and even more that hadn't, they were all forming a clearer picture now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Speak to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Can be interpreted as slash if you wish.
> 
> Disclaimers: I don't own anything you recognize. Previously published on fanfiction.net.

_[10:40 pm on november 29th, 1959]_

Todd shifted in his bed, attempting to keep his blanket arranged so that it kept the cold air out and his feet stayed warm. His judicious grey eyes peeked out from the blankets and watched Neil as he climbed into his own bed. The creaking of the window frame ceased and their room went quiet, save for the soft in and out of their breathing.

Todd told himself that if he was going to talk to Neil at all, it was time. The problem was, Todd didn't know what exactly he had to talk about. He just felt something had changed in his friend, that something was different in the way Neil talked and acted. But it didn't seem to be alarming anyone else, so maybe he was just imagining things. They had only known each other for a couple months after all - three months, if he was being precise. But Todd knew that if he didn't make sure Neil was alright, it would bother him more than it was worth. So he opened and closed his mouth, struggling to get the words he knew had to be said out.

"Hey, Neil?" he finally whispered.

"Mmm hmm?" Neil hummed, his eyes opening to look at Todd.

"Uh … you've been kind of different, uh recently, sort of. Are you, y-you know, are you doing alright?" Todd said, his eyes firmly glued to the stray fibres of his blanket.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Neil asked.

"Well, I don't know," Todd said pensively. "You just k-kind of look sad sometimes …"

"I'm not sad," Neil told his roommate.

Todd looked up at the slightly defensive tone to see that Neil had his back turned to him. Maybe talking about it wasn't such a good idea after all. "Forget I said anything," Todd mumbled, almost to himself. Once again, the room was silent as Todd mentally admonished himself for meddling in Neil's affairs until Neil shook his head, his pillow rustling underneath him.

"No, you're right, Todd," Neil admitted reluctantly, rolling back over to face Todd, but he didn't continue immediately. "It's just," he swallowed. "I'm so… fulfilled with acting and I feel like if it's taken away from me now, I won't be able to take it."

Todd shifted uncomfortably, surprised that he got an answer. He hadn't really considered how he would respond; Todd was a listener, he didn't give advice. He let out an unsure breath and shifted, propping himself up on his elbows to look Neil in the eyes. "Honestly, Neil, I don't… I don't know what to say. But … that's - it's not important, right? I mean, there's no need to worry. Who's going to take it away from you now? There's only two weeks left until the play," Todd finished in a hurry.

Neil nodded slowly. "You're right," he agreed at last. "It'll be fine."

The room descended into silence for the final time that night, and Todd leaned back uneasily onto his pillow, thinking he should've said something differently.

* * *

_[6:32 pm on december 14th, 1959]_

It had been almost twenty minutes when Neil finally joined them, slipping into his usual seat in between Knox and Charlie.

Todd's eyes flickered up to steal a glance at Neil. He was smiling, but with noticeable pain in his eyes. His actions _seemed_ carefree like usual, but he let out an occasional sigh weighed down with defeat. The others didn't pick up on Neil's unhappiness (he _was_ an excellent actor) but his uncharacteristic lack of dialogue alerted Todd of something suspicious. Something bad must have happened between his departure for rehearsal and dinner.

Todd wished badly to be able to comfort Neil, but he instead settled for catching his glance once and giving him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. Todd wished that he was better at being a friend, but Neil seemed to appreciate the gesture anyhow, nodding at Todd and cracking the smallest of smiles - the only genuine one that evening.

When dinner was dismissed and the swarm of students made their ways to their dorms, Todd caught up to Neil on the staircase, catching him on his shoulder.

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked. "You look …" he decided to be subtle, as their friends were in earshot. "Queasy."

Neil started in surprise, then gave Todd a sad smile.

"Of course," Neil said, nodding. "Just a stomachache. Spaghetti wasn't exactly sitting well for me today."

"B-but-" Todd began, wanting to coax the real reason for Neil's despondency out.

"Hey, study group now?" Charlie interrupted, coming up behind Todd and Neil, clapping his hands on their shoulders.

"Sure," Neil agreed, and Todd nodded silently.

Then Charlie was off, talking urgently about one thing or another. Neil didn't talk to Todd for the rest of the night except a soft "goodnight" just before he got into bed.

* * *

_[8:59 pm on december 14, 1959]_

Todd sat on the bed, knees tucked under his chin, reading over his chemistry notes when the door creaking open and Neil slipped into the dorm. Todd looked up and nodded in greeting. Neil returned the gesture and closed the door, walking over to his own bed, taking his shoes off slowly. Todd returned to his book but he glanced up at Neil once more, this time noticing the faint tear tracks that decorated his cheeks.

"Are you okay, Neil?" Todd asked as Neil pulled his sweater over his head.

"Yes," Neil affirmed a little too assuredly.

"Are you sure-?"

"I said I'm _fine_ , Todd," Neil snapped, glaring at Todd. "You can just butt out, alright?"

Todd swallowed uneasily. "No," he said, forcing himself to stand his ground.

"What do you mean, no?" Neil demanded.

A strange feeling of déjà vu washed over Todd but he ignored it, ploughing on.

"N-no. I'm - I'm just looking out for you, Neil. Like you look out for me, right?"

The anger in Neil's eyes burned down immediately to be replaced by sheepishness, and the corner of Neil's mouth turned up into a half smile.

"Yeah, Todd. Of course."

Neil threw his sweater in Todd's direction, and Todd threw it back easily, knowing that it was Neil's way of saying he would be okay soon.

* * *

_[11:25 am on december 15, 1959]_

The sun was reaching its zenith in the sky when Todd spotted Neil on the terrace, sitting almost exactly where Todd had been the night of his birthday. Little puffs of condensation indicated Neil was muttering what Todd would bet were his lines under his breath. He approached slowly, shoving his hands into his pockets to protect them from the cold wind that was starting to blow.

"Neil," Todd said softly, alerting Neil of his presence. "What are you doing here?"

Neil looked up in surprise, smiling when he saw who it was. "Just making sure I know my lines," he said nervously. "Don't want to forget them on stage tonight."

"Oh, I've practiced with you everyday for the last several weeks. You know your lines backwards and forwards and probably even upside down. D-don't worry about it," Todd assured warmly.

Neil chuckled weakly, blinking away from Todd.

"Yeah, it's just … if I screw this up…" Neil looked as though he was about to add something else, but the moment fled and Neil shook his head, almost to himself. "Never mind, it's nothing."

Todd frowned but accepted Neil's excuse one last time.

"You okay?" Todd asked, hesitantly, already knowing what the answer was.

"Okay," Neil said as expected. He stood up and slung his arm around Todd, quieting the sting of the early winter air.

"But thanks for, you know, helping me practice and stuff," Neil said.

"You're welcome," Todd said, recognizing the underlying expression of deeper gratitude underneath.

Neil tugged affectionately at Todd's hood, pulling it over his eyes, effectively lightening the mood. Todd retaliated, pleased to see the bright, optimistic sparkle was back in Neil's eyes.

"You know," Neil said as they made their way back into the building together, "it looks like it's going to snow."

Todd hummed in agreement. "I- I like the snow," he said, looking up at the bright yet grey sky. "The kind that coats all the trees and buildings and erases all the paths… it's… it's sort of like… a new page of a new chapter, y-you know? You don't really know what's coming next, but… all the things that went wrong before doesn't really matter... anymore."

Neil was silent for a moment, and their footsteps echoed on the cement.

"A new chapter," Neil whispered thoughtfully. "I like that."

* * *

_[9:34 pm on december 15, 1959]_

"Oh, shit," Knox cursed.

Todd turned to see what had upset Knox so much, and when he saw, his smile disappeared and his stomach plummeted.

Mr. Perry was pushing his way through the crowded lobby, a sombre Neil in tow.

Words of congratulation for Neil were tossed around, and Todd forced himself to smile while his mind sorted through a torrent of thoughts and memories, finally guessing Mr. Perry's role in Neil's behaviour. All the unexplained moments, all the that had been said and even more that hadn't, they were all forming a clearer picture now.

Todd watched helplessly as Neil climbed defeatedly into the car while Todd's heart filled with fear and his mind racing with possible outcomes of the night. Neil could be in a lot of trouble at the best, but Todd knew that there was a very real possibility that Mr. Perry would yank Neil out of Welton and Todd would never see or talk to him again.

 _Please, Neil, don't let that be._ Todd pleaded silently. _I want to hear you say that you're okay again. At least one more time._

The car door slammed and the car pulled away, leaving new tracks in the fresh coat of snow.

A snowflake landed on Todd's eyelash and he blinked it away as a shiver went down his spine, somehow realizing that one chapter had ended, and a new chapter had begun.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Anderperry Week I, Day Three: Missing Scene.


End file.
